個人陳述批改：申請首爾大學(xué) 。TPO小站綜合點評及批改意見：這篇英文個人陳述字數(shù)過多，內(nèi)容太看，看起來很累人。雖然文章寫得非常聲情并茂，但申請動機及申請專業(yè)不明顯，而且也不知道是要申請本科，碩士還是博士。這是PS的一大禁忌。當(dāng)然讀到后邊，才慢慢知道你現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)是本科學(xué)生，因此可能是申請研究生或是博士。PS的行文風(fēng)格要更academic一些，多從專業(yè)角度去寫，精簡與專業(yè)無關(guān)的內(nèi)容。
原文：
Personal Statement
Born in a family where the father is a policeman, I have been taught to behave myself from my childhood. My father has never failed to teach me to be a person of persistence and honesty. With these two strong points, I have conquered many difficulties through my efforts. And it is from my mother that I learned to be patient and hard-working. Without these two characters, I will never understand the satisfied feelings when achieve the goal I was struggling for. Our family is an ordinary one, but it never lacks of happiness and energy.
易優(yōu)作文網(wǎng)名師改作文（http://www.zequeka.cn/jiaoshoulanmu/ ）,易優(yōu)作文評分系統(tǒng)，易優(yōu)作文打分系統(tǒng)。
I think the most gigantic changes in my life began to take place from the decision of going to the top three senior high schools in my province, by which I knew there would always be someone better and learned to face the difficulties directly instead of escaping. I have went through my primary and junior middle school in my hometown, which is a small town, and at that time I ranked mainly the first place of the class, even among the whole grade. But the great achievements had nothing to do with my talent, but mostly because of my interest and diligence in the study. I was so interested in studying that even my little brother's noise could not disturb me at all. I did well so that I was admitted by one of the best senior high schools in the city, which gathered the most-outstanding students through out the province. I was so excited that I even accepted by the Mathematical Olympiad Class. But the enthusiasm declined after the first exam, compared with other elites, I was defeated by most of them and my grades fell to the middle. I was deeply exhausted. But it is that exam that not only frustrated me a lot but also warned me up to keep on. I had known that previous achievements could not stand for present conditions, let alone the future. Since then on, I have been conscious about studying is like rowing upstream, if I slow down, the only result is falling behind. I made my senior high school a bridge to my dreams-going for a further study. Through my efforts, I got a relatively high score in the entrance examination and got an offer of a satisfying university-Yanbian University, what's more, the department is my favorite one-geography. 作文培訓(xùn)，就來蘇州易優(yōu)作文 http://www.zequeka.cn/miniForm.html
Actually, I got really much more interested in geography after listening to a lecture of geographic science when I was in my senior middle school. Before then, geography was also my inclination because I just interested in different kinds of natural phenomenon like the planet movement, the exchanges of the four seasons and so on. But after the lecture I had known geography was not only about that. The professor who gave the lecture said that we could see every place on earth even the windows of my house with the help of remote sensing. We are able to use geographic tech to estimate our environment, observe the changes of objects on earth along time, and even predict the disaster from some geographical indicators. Wow, how excited. I was deeply attracted by geography.
Everything went well when I attend the university; I was so fascinated by the various kinds of geographic subjects- human geography, physical geography, meteorology, astronomy, economic geography and so on. It seems like a knowledge sea to me and I absorb it eagerly. With the experience of the big strike in my senior middle, I know I can't slow down my pace. A chance came to me when I was a freshman that I was selected to participate in a project to digitalize the relief maps. That was my first time to do project and I have learned much practical knowledge that can't be learned in textbooks. The project came into a big success and I was so proud of myself. Although I only did little part, I did it with my full energy and I was already able to use some easy software applied in geography.
提升作文素養(yǎng)，尋找作文素材，就來<A http://www.zequeka.cn/yuwEnsuyang/>易優(yōu)作文素養(yǎng)</a>。
During the following two years, I was addicted to the application of GIS and RS, the software is so practical and advanced that we can do kinds of researches using them. I realized it was just what the professor gave in the lecture in my senior middle. It was the first time I had a strong will to do research. I borrowed large amounts of books on GIS&RS subjects from the library, downloaded many essays written at home and abroad just finding out there were much more fields that GIS&RS could be used than I thought., like analyzing distribution of one disease or detecting one certain element in some place which inspires me to do more researches.
University is not all about study. I also acquired my organizational and leadership ability. I joined in Student Union, during the terms I organized a meeting for students to exchanging their experiences from study, work and social life aspects. What's more, I have held a debate competition on “Whether the students are supposed to do part-time jobs”. I am also a warm-hearted girl always prepared to help others so that almost everyone loves to be friends with me and also, they think I am a good listener and trouble-killer, so when they come up with some problems they choose to talk to me. 中小學(xué)語文閱讀寫作培訓(xùn)課程推薦，<a http://www.zequeka.cn/minifOrm/type_1.html>中小學(xué)語文閱讀寫作培訓(xùn)</a>
In the last year of my undergraduate, I went to a senior middle school to be a fulltime intern. I teach then geography and practiced to be their head teacher for about three months. I gained a lot from this. I experienced the fantastic feelings to share my knowledge to the students and also the responsibility.
Because of my excellent achievements, I had won scholarships every year, besides, I was conferred the national scholarship when I was in senior. What's more, I have won the “Merit Student of Yanbian University” for twice and “Excellent Learning Student of Yanbian University” for once. At the end of the forth year, I was recommended for the admission of my graduate school.
That's another big turning point in my life and I have met one of the most important people to me – my supervisor, professor Nanying. He is just like my father, not only teaching us academic knowledge, but also the principles to be a real person. With the help of my professor, I get more systemic and special knowledge about application of GIS and RS. In the second year of my postgraduate, my supervisor recommended me for a further study to the Northeast Institute of Geography and Agroecology, Chinese Academy of Science. I have studied and done research there for about half a year. I mainly majored in cartology and GIS, during when I helped to accomplish a national project-“Carbon Special Project of China”. As one of the four representatives of north eastern China, I was mainly in charge of the interpretation of RS images and land use/cover change analysis through out time and space. The researchers who participated gathered in Beijing to discuss problems and solutions. From which I learned more advanced methods and sophisticated experiences of interpretation and analysis.After coming back to school, I was invited to Vladivostok to a conference. The participators coming from different countries shared their research results on different parts. I had given a lecture named “Land use/cover change in the transboundery region of China, Russia and North Korea” ,for which I was awarded the second place.
作文能力提升，就來易優(yōu)作文,https://www.euw.net
At the beginning of last year, I helped my supervisor to complete another project-“The land use/cover change analysis in North Korea”. This time, I made full use of the skills and the experiences acquired before and lead my team to finish this project perfectly. Now I had just finished my graduate thesis, the theme of which is“Analysis on influences of the urban expansion on the wetland landscape”. My postgraduate term is coming to an end, but it is absolutely not the end of my study. I still have enthusiasm to do research; I still have many creative ideas not only about the application of GIS and RS, but also about relating subjects, and I still believe in myself that I will progress to a much higher level.
Seoul National University is widely known as a world-class university. I have been there about 2 years ago and experienced the beautiful scene and positive atmosphere there. Also, the geography department there is also famous for its high academic ability. I want to further my study in SNU and make more contributions to the GIS application field. I think I am strongly interested in language learning, I always do an excellent job with my English, and after several years of Korean study, I have passed the TOPIK 4 exam and can do basic reading and communication with native speakers. I don't think there will be any problems to study and do research with my English and Korean levels.
What I have achieved has already passed away, and the only way to judge me is what I am capable of doing. I am energetic, positive and dynamic, and I will try one more time when other all think it is impossible. I strongly believe that the education I accept from SNU will equip me with stronger expertise. And it is no denying that SNU will be the bridge to my dream.
TPO小站綜合點評及批改意見：
首先文章字數(shù)過多，寫得非常聲情并茂，但不是一篇好的PS。首先，讀完了前兩段，不知道是要申請本科，碩士還是博士。這是PS的一大禁忌。當(dāng)然讀到后邊，才慢慢知道你現(xiàn)在已經(jīng)是本科學(xué)生，因此可能是申請研究生或是博士。那么在postgraduate階段的申請文，更多的要突出你的專業(yè)性和目的性，還有你的整體規(guī)劃。這篇文章長但是結(jié)構(gòu)不明確。ADMISSION OFFICER看到這樣的文章，也是非常頭大的。因此建議整篇文章重新做調(diào)整，具體如下：
1. 重新調(diào)整文書結(jié)構(gòu)，重點是 motivation--引出你要申請的專業(yè)----為此做的準備（學(xué)術(shù)，工作經(jīng)驗等）----未來的學(xué)習(xí)計劃---未來的工作計劃---對申請的目標院校及專業(yè)描述。
2. 文字風(fēng)格一定要顯示出你是一個專業(yè)人士，成熟的專業(yè)人士。 多用ACADEMIC文章的口氣來寫，而不是看起來很感性。
3. 個人的一些跟專業(yè)無關(guān)的東西做精簡，如果是為了突出的personality，也需要精簡這些事例。如果是想要凸顯你的老師或者是誰對你很重要，請從專業(yè)角度去講老師有多厲害，而不是用各種主觀的詞語去夸獎
