個人陳述批改：申請德國文學(xué)碩士專業(yè)。TPO小站批改意見。整篇文章行文結(jié)構(gòu)有些雜亂無序，建議重新組織文章結(jié)構(gòu)。第一段，開篇寫學(xué)習(xí)語言的動機，篇幅過長，建議做精簡。第二段有寫的是學(xué)習(xí)德語的動機，第一第二段之前，沒有相應(yīng)的過渡，因此顯得思維有些跳躍，建議增添過渡，以使上下文更為流暢。第三段是在描述學(xué)習(xí)情況，建議將具體的學(xué)習(xí)成績及擅長科目明晰出來。
原文：
After graduating from junior high school, I was on a trip in Beijing alone. When I was in the Forbidden City, reading an introduction of one site, suddenly, a shadow was over my head. I thought it was cloud, but I found he was standing there, starring at me. I stood up and several English words came out of my mouth. We chatted, hang around, and had meal together at noon. His name is Zeke, alone in China, from California, a Spanish teacher in senior high school. He was also alone. I proposed to travel together so that I could practice my spoken English and he was able to have a guide and translator for free. After Beijing, we were in Xi'an, Guilin. In the next year, he was not able to resist the attraction of Chinese food and came back. We traveled again in several cities in China. This time, he paid me for accompanying with him. This was the first time that I realized that learning a foreign language was so useful.
在線作文批改系統(tǒng)，<a href=http://www.zequeka.cn/jiaoshoulanmu/>易優(yōu)名師作文批改</A>
TPO小站綜合點評及批改意見：
這一段主要是介紹學(xué)習(xí)外語的動機，篇幅過長，建議做精簡。
Because of that experience, I decided to learn another language in university. Football is one of my hobby. Almost on every weekend I watch Bundesliga through Internet. Once I was happened to hear a soccer commentary in German, the powerful language gave me a impressive impression. And that's why I finally choused German as my major. Right now, I am studying German at Northwestern Polytechnical University, which is one of the key universities in China.
這一段主要是講學(xué)習(xí)德語的動機，因此建議添加過渡，使上下段落讀起來更為流暢。
I'm not content with the knowledge that I learn. I engage myself in sharing what I learn to others. The knowledge is useful only when you use it to make something useful for others. Therefore, I attended the German Club in our university since my sophomore year. There, I work as a teacher who teaches students whose majors are not German basic German Grammar and situation about Germany. Doing this job not only enhance my academic knowledge, but also let me achieve my self-worth. Everytime when I step on the platform, seeing the desiring eyes looking at me, there is a sense of satisfaction pushes me forward. I personally want to be a professor at university in the future. The outgoing, talkative and obliging personality is my preponderance.
中小學(xué)生語文題庫，中小學(xué)學(xué)生語文試卷，就來<A http://www.zequeka.cn/yuweNtiku/>易優(yōu)語文題庫</a>。
建議要具體說明學(xué)習(xí)成績以及擅長科目。另外，對于對于學(xué)習(xí)方法 及心得，也需要進一步深入。建議結(jié)合英語的學(xué)習(xí)方法 來闡釋些德語的習(xí)得和你所感興趣的方面---德語文化/德國歷史/德語詞性的研究/起源等。
In the first semester of my junior year, I was selected as an exchange student to study at Fu Jen Catholic University in Taiwan, which gave an unforgettable experience. The education system in Taiwan has many imparities than it is in China. It's like western system. Only a small amount of courses is required. Students have great freedom to select the seminars that they like. Although being in an unfamiliar environment, there is no problem for me to get used to the new life and study style. I met a group of international students from all over the world. Before holidays coming, I would organize different activities and post it on Facebook to inform them. The biggest one is on 10th October 2013, there were about 30 members. We went to Taipei Palace Museum at day time and danced at a bar in the center of Taipei at night. While having fun, I also got excellent grades. My average grade point is 87.95 on 100 scale, top three in the class which was composed of 60 students. Because of the great enthusiasm of languages, I put basic Korean into my course list when I was in Taiwan. I'm still learning it now. With my inclusive and enthusiasm, I believe that I can get into any culture with general ease. 學(xué)書法，推薦<A http://www.zequeka.cn/Miniform/tYpe_3.html>易優(yōu)少兒書法培訓(xùn)</a>，語文成績好，書法少不了。
注意精煉句子。段落中提及了學(xué)習(xí)韓語，那么學(xué)習(xí)韓語的目的動機是什么呢。因此建議增添內(nèi)容，說明對各種語系的理解。比如韓語是比較簡單跟漢字比較接近的語系，但是英語和德語就是高加索，拉丁語什么的發(fā)源而來。
As for my academic interests, I have to mention German literature. Post-war German literature is especially to my interests. If I am asked to pick up a topic to do my research, I usually choose one that is linked not only to German literature. I suppose that there are some common features in all literature works. Cross culture researches are more challenging and interesting, which provide people with distinct views that are against the traditional ones. I recently did a research about Wolfgang Borchert's short stories. I focused on the Hemingway's theory of omission reflected in his stories set against the situations in post-war Germany. In my further study, I would like to do researches about the comparison about modern German and North American literature. 易優(yōu)作文網(wǎng)，中小學(xué)學(xué)生學(xué)作文的好網(wǎng)站（http://www.zequeka.cn）
這段的邏輯性不強，注意加強邏輯性以使行文流暢。
I am now applying to the University of British Columbia, which is one of the best universities in Canada and the world. One reason that I choose to apply your university is that studying German literature in an English speaking country will enrich my experience and increase my competence after graduation. Secondly, your university also have PhD program for German major students. Pursuing Doctoral Degree is one of my goals. At last but not least, when I asked Zeke for advice, he told me that he has a friend graduated from UBC. His friend said that UBC is an ideal university for research. The concept of teaching in UBC is to encourage students to find ways that are out of ordinary to study. The opportunities that UBC provides, such as international exchange programs, are beneficial for its students. All these features urge me to apply UBC.
建議將Zeke的建議挪到段首，引出對UBC的好感。然后再具體說明通過了解，UBC可以給你自己帶來什么以及自己又能給UBC帶來什么。另外嗎，建議結(jié)合學(xué)校的優(yōu)勢，寫出你自己的學(xué)習(xí)計劃和安排。最后，建議在完成各段落修改后，建議重新組織整篇文章結(jié)構(gòu)，使看起來更為通暢
