Topic（題目）:
Do you agree or disagree with the statement: One of the best way that parents can help their teenage children prepare for adult life is to encourage them to tkae a part-time job
Target text（文章正文）:
From my experience, not many parents allow their children to have a part-time job. Some so-called experts say that the main thing children should focus is their study. However, I think that taking any extra work on their free time apart from the studying is one of the useful way for children to prepare for their future.
To begin with, the part-time jobs can help children cultivate their responsibilities to their lives. When working and experiencing the routine their parents have to face in the daily lives, children can develop their psychology and became more responsible to the society. Any part-time job is not easy for a kid, and when people, no expectation from a child face to the rigorous condition, they can facilitate the development inner their minds and become stronger. For instance, when the schedule of a child is filled with his study and part-time job, it has a large possibility that the same time is occupied by the two tasks and he or she may not have time to do his or her homework. Under this condition, this child have to look for the balance between his two routines. In this process of balancing, he or she must have grown up his stability in the mind.
Furthermore, a part-time job can enlarge the friends' circle and contribute the children more opportunities to meet the friends who they may need in the future, therefore preparing the conditions in a further time for children. When children are always study at school, the people they meet are just the classmates and their teachers. This kind of friends' circle is too tedium. However, if the children have a part-time job, the people they meet every day are the different consumers, almost of whom are the adults. Those people have more experience in their lives and it is more valuable to make friends who are better than themselves are because those friends can give more valuable and more experienced suggests. The people a person needs the most is not who always have fun with but is who can offer the useful advices. Therefore, having the friends who children meet at the job is more valuable for their future lives.
In words, having a part-time job can not only promote children's responsibilities to the society but also prepare the friends they need in the future, therefore becoming one the perfect way for children to rehearse the life they need when they grow up.
TPO小站綜合點(diǎn)評(píng)及批改意見(jiàn)：
總的來(lái)看，這篇文章論據(jù)和主題句不一致，論據(jù)展開(kāi)比較啰嗦，而且好些地方表意不明。整篇文章的表述很奇怪，比較中式。寫(xiě)作不是將中文直譯為英文，而是要根據(jù)你想要表達(dá)的意思，用英文來(lái)組句表達(dá)，而且一定要讓別人知道你所要表達(dá)的意思。另外，文章有較多的語(yǔ)法錯(cuò)誤，語(yǔ)法基本功底比較薄弱。建議參考范文做修改。
學(xué)習(xí)建議：
1、嘗試用反面觀(guān)點(diǎn)來(lái)進(jìn)行論證。
2、寫(xiě)文章前先制定寫(xiě)作大綱。
3、寫(xiě)作是需要注意使用的論證方式，寫(xiě)好之后要回看修改。
4、注意論據(jù)和論點(diǎn)之間的關(guān)系要緊密。
5、論證方式要多樣化。
6、注意論據(jù)要多用細(xì)節(jié)。看是否有更多的論據(jù)來(lái)支撐觀(guān)點(diǎn)
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