作文題目： “Women in the Modern World”
提綱：
1. Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today.____________
2. With the changes in their social role, women”s position in the family has been improved as well. ___________________
3. In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized.
___________________________
例1． （2分段）
??Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today. Long age, women only did something in the kitchen or at home. Now many of them have serious jobs to serve for people. What men can do so can women.
With the changes in their social role, women”s position in the family has been improved as well. Today in the family, the wife often lots her husband to do something at home bat ago, only women did something. Men are foned of doing something at home. 蘇州易優(yōu)吳老師初中語文高效提分（Tel:181-1815-9898）
??In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized. Sometimes, the matter, the husband hitting has welf, often happened. In the factory the wonmen to as much as the men, but they are paid less than the men. Some people have not completely realized the liberation of women.
東方教育點評：條理不清，思路紊亂，大部分句子均有錯誤，有的甚至影響理解。
具體問題剖析：(1)缺乏邏輯，東一句西一句，沒有圍繞中心論述，如第一段就沒有展開論述婦女社會角色的轉變，說得太籠統(tǒng)而缺乏說服力。
（2）用漢語思維，句子有明顯的漢語痕跡，如“What men can do so can women.”，應改為“Women can do what men can do”。
（3）銜接不自然，沒有用適當的關聯詞，如“Sometimes, the matter, the husband hitting has welf, often happened”，應改為“The case that husband hits his wife often happens. ”
蘇州吳中區(qū)小學生語文提優(yōu)，蘇州名校沖刺培訓，（Tel:181-1815-9898）20余年輔導經驗，每年都有數十個成功案例。
（4）拼寫錯誤很多，大部分句子均有錯誤。
例2．（5分段 ）
??Women are playing an increasingly important part in society today. In today, many women have a work. They worked as well as men playing an important part in factories. There are many women in government also. They lead other people country, and make out plans. There are many scientist slso. They event new things to improve our life.
??With the changes in their social role, women”s position in the family has been improved as well. In ancient, women”s position in family is pity. They had to looks after their children, did every how husband ordered her to do. But now it is changed. They are equal to her husband. They have the right of speaking of idea, discussion thing with her husband, do what she wants to do.
In spite of these changes, the liberation of women has not been completely realized. We also should realize, women” likerty are limited. For example, many factories want men become its workers but the chance of women is less than men. Everyone should do their best to change this condition. I”m sure, the liberation of women would be increased.
蘇州小學語文提優(yōu)培訓，就找易優(yōu)吳老師，20余年輔導經驗，數百成功案例。（TEL:181-1815-9898）
東方教育點評：基本切題。但表達思想不清楚，連貫性差。有較多的嚴重語言錯誤。
具體問題剖析：（1）各段圍繞中心句論述不深入，沒有說服力。
（2）銜接不自然，沒有用適當的關聯詞，如第一段幾個句子之間可以用一些“besides”、“on the other hand”、“furthermore”、“in addition”等
