Topic（題目）：
Does new technology make life easier?
Target text（文章正文）:
Time witnesses the striking change in ourlife. Accompanied with the technological advance, we never fail to look forwardto the simplification of our life. On the other hand, someone claim that ourlife is not simplified but complicated by such technology. However ,in myperspective, in spite of some exception, it is the new tools like the Internet,high-speed rail and mobile phones that allow us lead a uncomplicated life.
Above all, Internet affords us a more direct access to latestinformation. Needless to say, providing knowledge duly and expediently,Internet holds a strong connection with our life. As a sophomore majoring theeconomic, we never cease to highlight the significance of fresh information. Well,we just clicking the keyboard and surfing the Internet, the messages will flowinto our mind, something like the new policy of American government as well asthe exchanging rate between RMB and dollars, which are necessities in thepapers. However, you can imagine, without Internet, it should be arduous for usto obtain the up-to-date information and we should have to search other medialike newspapers or magazines for the items, but some of which might have beenout of date and ,accordingly, valueless.
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Secondly, high-speed rail renders us a more expeditetransportation. In other words, when it comes to saving time and money theprogressive railway contributes so much. Ever year, especially during thespring festival, eager and anxious, millions of citizens including students andworkers go back home by train. Meanwhile, a survey suggests that in term of thetime they taking, compared with the common train, the high-speed trains couldshorten 1-3 hours per person. It means that offering less fatigue the fastertransportation could enable us to travel more easily and mirthfully.
Last, cell phone gives us a more convenient way tocommunication. I firmly believe that the creation of phone is one of the mostcrucial feats. Granted, the new instruments sometimes bother us seriously, butin no case should we deny the significant part they play in our life. Were wefaced with some untoward emergency such as a severe hurt, wherever we are, wewould gain aid in time via making a call. In addition, employing a mobilephone, when upset and frustrated, we can chat with our family, express ouremotion and release the pressure, which could fill our live with sense ofsafety and belonging. 中小學語文閱讀寫作培訓課程推薦，<a http://www.zequeka.cn/minifOrm/type_1.html>中小學語文閱讀寫作培訓</a>
In summary, regardless of some flaws of them, the newforms of technology still have an irreplaceable place in the simplification ofour life. Exactly, the internet simplify the process to acquire latestinformation, the high speed rail cut down time to travel and the cell phoneease our daily life.
Revised essay（批改后）：
Time witnesses the striking change in our life[復數(shù)]. Accompanied with the technological advance, we never fail to look forward to the simplification of our life. On the other hand, someone claim that our life is not simplified but complicated by such technology. However ,in my perspective, in spite of some exception, it is the new tools like the Internet ,high-speed rail and mobile phones that allow us lead a uncomplicated life.【直接說你論點 不要含蓄】
Above all, Internet affords us a more direct access to latest information. Needless to say, providing knowledge duly and expediently, Internet holds a strong connection with our life. As a sophomore majoring the economic, we never cease to highlight the significance of fresh information. Well,[口語化] we just clicking the keyboard and surfing the Internet,【有點生硬表達】 the messages will flow into our mind, something like the new policy of American government as well as the exchanging rate between RMB and dollars, which are necessities in the papers. However, you can imagine, without Internet, it should be arduous for us to obtain the up-to-date information and we should have to search other media like newspapers or magazines for the items, but some of which might have been out of date and ,accordingly, valueless. 【短尾可以在總結一下 回到段首的分論點上 會顯得論證邏輯更有了總結 就又回到分論點上了;覺得你論證邏輯還是蠻連貫嚴謹?shù)?這里舉了個例子后在總結一下分論點繞回去比較好。其實論證方法 無非就是那幾類 一句話分兩句說 流線型推;從論點到個例 個例到大眾 從而論點得證加縝密】 中小學生作文投稿，中小學生作文點評與打分系統(tǒng)，<a href=http://www.zequeka.cn/jiaOshoulanmu/>易優(yōu)作文批改</A>
Secondly, high-speed rail renders us a more expedite transportation. 【簡潔但不夠出彩 這里一定要用上好的句型跟閃光詞匯 做好面子活】In other words, when it comes to saving time and money the progressive railway contributes so much. Ever year, especially during thespring festival, eager and anxious, millions of citizens including students and workers go back home by train. Meanwhile, a survey suggests that in term of the time they taking【完整句子哦】, compared with the common train, the high-speed trains could shorten 1-3 hours per person. It means that offering less fatigue the faster transportation could enable us to travel more easily and mirthfully. 【英式表達習慣 你還沒有培養(yǎng)起來 感覺就是從中文到英語逐字翻譯 其實不是的 中英對照的時候 你是想想漢語意思 然后再找對應的句型表達 而不是一個詞組一個詞組對應 要不就顯得不地道】
Last, cell phone gives us a more convenient way to communication. 【分論點就喜歡你這樣簡潔大方的 句子難度 閃光詞匯 都有 繼續(xù)保持】I firmly believe that the creation of phone is one of the most crucial feats. Granted, the new instruments sometimes bother us seriously, but in no case should we deny the significant part they play in our life. Were we faced with some untoward emergency such as a severe hurt, wherever we are, we would gain aid in time via making a call. In addition, employing a mobile phone, when upset and frustrated, we can chat with our family, express our emotion and release the pressure, which could fill our live with sense of safety and belonging. 【論證方面不是特別擅長 真的需要加強 方法舉例 解釋說理 對比 每段采用一個 然后流線型繞啊繞 其實就是那么回事】 中小學生語文題庫，中小學學生語文試卷，就來<A http://www.zequeka.cn/yuwentiku/>易優(yōu)語文題庫</a>。
In summary, regardless of some flaws of them, the new forms of technology still have an irreplaceable place in the simplification of our life. Exactly, the internet simplify the process to acquire latest information, the high speed rail cut down time to travel and the cell phone ease our daily life.【結尾干凈利落 好得很】
TPO小站綜合點評及批改意見：
表達功力 結構構造很好。
總體框架結構中規(guī)中矩還是挺好的 三個分論點邏輯性也還好；就是英語思維沒有培養(yǎng)起來，詞不達意，有時候用詞不夠精準 地道；閃光詞匯、重點句型方面不是太出彩。
預估分數(shù)：24
學習建議：
1、盡量多閱讀范文，模仿好的文章中作者闡述論證觀點的方式。
2、多閱讀不同類型話題的文章，積累專業(yè)作家針對不同話題的觀點內(nèi)容。
3、可以多引用別人的觀點內(nèi)容。 作文批改系統(tǒng)，易優(yōu)作文批改、作文點評、作文打分系統(tǒng)，<a href=http://www.zequeka.cn/jiaoshoulanmu/>易優(yōu)作文批改</A>
4、閱讀范文過程中，注意作者如何反向論證?
